A Hotheaded Hotty Toddy to You

I’ve been known to lose the battle with my temper more than a few times over the years. A more accurate statement would highlight this short-fused, explosive response system as trademark level. I like to think I simply get frustrated with lack of critical thinking and complacency, but regardless of its root cause, it’s an issue I’ve monitored, evaluated, and often improved in my older years (eh, most of the time).
Honestly, I was on such a good streak before these last several weeks, that I almost forgot what an angry asshole I can be—but here we are. Trying to work logistics with multiple players/vendors/institutions takes a level of orchestration my brain couldn’t handle. Everything starts short-circuiting, the emails get snarkier, the language gets a bit explicit, and the tantrum is locked and loaded. 
You hear about the broken shoe string sending you over the edge? My broken string (my minor inconvenience) was ESPN+ on Saturday afternoon. My Ole Miss Rebels were banished to streaming only, so naturally (to avoid late panic) I wanted to be sure I was set up and ready to watch in time for 6:00 kick-off. I even went as far as to watch a little Mississippi State (gross) while waiting for them to open the stream for my game—to further ensure everything was good to go. At 5:58, they finally gave me the go ahead only to say I needed to log-in. Then my password for YouTubeTV wasn’t working (even though it’s saved in Google). So then I tried via Hulu and it said my email didn’t have an account (funny, they charge my acct every month and send the receipt to that email). At this point I am screaming obscenities and throwing things in the Game Room that should 100% be embarrassing enough for me to never tell anyone about. In walks Tony trying to take over. No, husband, you don’t even know my passwords so go away. I start crying while I’m screaming (no, no—not at him—just at the TV). I’m going between my iPad, phone, and TV and throwing a fit that it’s approaching 6:07. At 6:08, I’m in. My game is on. And I rewind to the beginning because I LIKE the beginning. 
Tony came back to ask if everything was okay and I teared up again when I said, “I don’t know where that came from and I couldn’t control it. I’m really sorry.”


”I know.” He said. “It’s okay; you’re okay.”


I am fairly (certainly) confident I’ve never apologized for something like that before that day. This gets to count as progress, I think? I also recognized that I am far from okay right now. I spend so much time trying to matter, to be good enough. I have to work on better management of this energy. I have to know I’m trying and doing all I can do and I can only accomplish so much alone and within a certain timeframe. I have to know no one else has my perspective or my goals (though, sometimes I wonder if others are hitting copy + paste on my goals 🙄) and everyone else is just out there doing what they can do—even if it doesn’t fit my preferred pace.
In my efforts to get outside and get out of my head, yesterday and today I spent hours at our new “farm” where I hope to one day build (though if you want to get me started on the number of people who refuse to return phone calls or get back with you to even get the pole barn shop phase started, I can guarantee another emotional breakdown). I decided my new hobby of “farmhand” was going to be the perfect way to level my head—nothing like manual labor and exhaustion to take away the fight in a person, right? I actually did hard things (like for real, I’m not just making that up to be funny), but the anxiety stayed barely under the surface and was on my mind throughout every task.
Then my husband told me to put the fence post in a different place. My spot apparently wasn’t good enough for the whole 3 minutes it was going to sit there. And I was crying behind his back as if none of the hard work had made a difference in my mood at all. 

I think this means I have a long way to go, but these last (nearly) two years have been all about the journey of change. Tomorrow is another chance to start again and wake up as the pleasant little gal I know I can be. 😆


**All of this to say, I just have to keep knocking down some barriers and dealing with incompetent persons in positions they don’t deserve, but the new things ahead will inevitably make it all worth it, I think.**


For now, I’ll focus on this gorgeous land and not let the months of work it needs deter me from enjoying the view (because let me tell ya, I found a pic that hides all the junk at the perimeters to make this photo look better).


Oh, and if you stopped in thinking we were going for a weight loss update, I’m down 96.4 pounds. Hopefully, my next post is 100.


Do you have a temper, too? You trying to hold that in or are we just letting it fly?


Cheers, 
Kalin