Fat Man’s Misery

I was 11 years old the last time I read that sign. (This was way back in the 1900s, of course.) I still remember being really anxious about getting to that part of the Mammoth Cave tour without any real understanding of what the limiting parameters might be. It wasn’t my first time in the cave—I feel like that may have happened somewhere around a 4th grade field trip—but I did recall a confining, winding pathway I’d encounter and I was terribly nervous I’d humiliatingly get stuck.

In hindsight, this is another one of my dramatic, intrusive thoughts, but for 6th grade me it was as real as the Mt. Dew I’d just drank. 

Was it possible I wouldn’t be able to navigate the passage? The park ranger read from his notes stating participants “should carefully consider their limitations” as the paths become very narrow, require crouching down, climbing hundreds of stairs, etc. and I was convinced my size was a real threat to my participation.

(I made it just fine in case you were on the edge of your seats waiting to hear how that turned out. No one pointed and laughed. Nothing traumatic happened. I probably just had a mild panic attack that I couldn’t even identify that many years ago.)

Recently, with the weight loss journey (oh, if I haven’t mentioned it, I’ve been on quite the journey over the last—nearly—two years), I’ve been a lot more active on our farm, a lot more productive around the house, not to mention the physicality of what I do for work. I decided it was time to try to face Mammoth again. Was I ready?

This time, the fear of not surviving it was just as intense and real as it was when I was 11. Of course, now, I’m significantly larger, older, and depleted—so it made a bit more sense this round.

I started doing what I do. I read tons of reviews from fat people online. I was trying to decide if it was feasible or if it was something I should put off for another few months. 

I decided it was time.

I chose the River Styx Cave Tour. 

Per the website: “Following along the Historic Tour Route, this tour focuses on the unique geologic and natural history of Mammoth Cave. Including a brief side trip to the underground water level, this tour takes an in-depth look at the millions of years of formation of Mammoth Cave. This tour is ideal for visitors with a high interest in geology. 

Please use extra caution when visiting the river level. To access this section of the cave the tour leaves modern tour trail to uneven terrain that may be wet, muddy, and/or slick. The tour route travels next to bodies of water, some of which can be very deep depending on river levels. Viewing of this area will also be conducted with electric lanterns and not the modern lighting system on the rest of the route.” 

Duration: 2.5 hours
Distance: 2.5 miles
Total Stairs: 600+
Difficulty: Moderate
Ages: 6 year and older…

Right after we went to the cave’s “basement” and were sitting on benches, returning lanterns, and prepping for the last leg of the tour, I was feeling ridiculously arrogant—and skinny. The walk was so slow and the breaks for geology lessons (sorry, don’t care) were natural rests, so I started to question how this was deemed “moderate” difficulty.

Then we resumed.

I still had to navigate the 200 steps of Mammoth Dome—climbing straight up and feeling my lungs crying for the easy oxygen intake they craved. My legs were seriously liquifying and contemplated just completely shutting down on me. I hated my stupid idea and I felt like I was back to 324 pounds again. 

But I made it to that last step and started to feel accomplished. Right up until I realized I still had a steep incline for the next 15 minutes and I hated everyone again. Seriously, everyone.

So anyway, I made it. It shouldn’t have been as hard as it was, but it was. I have a long way to go before I can really feel proud of my physical accomplishments, but for now—yay! I didn’t die.

My hammies are tight and I have shin splints. So, don’t mind me while I whine about it for a couple more days.

I’m glad I went and I’m determined to keep trying things that make me scared. Throughout my life I’ve turned down countless invitations for outings that were intimidating because of my size. I’ve not experienced enough off the TV screen and that needs to change.

What should I do next? Just remember, I do need some of these small victories to fuel my confidence for more adventure. What would you try as a little challenge to yourself?

Cheers, 
Your favorite spelunker 😆

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