I am Brave; I am Bruised. I am Who I’m Meant to Be.

Two years ago today, I started this journey on a stage for all of you to see. It was a moment of vulnerability and a plea for accountability to save me. So many times I’d started and failed—working in secret. I knew using my platform to share my plans with all of you could possibly be the only way I wouldn’t quit. 


Two years ago today, I decided the complacency I’d demonstrated for far too long needed to end as I navigated a new world of forward progress, determination. 


TWO YEARS. It can feel like so far in the future, but it barely seems possible two years have passed. 


Knowing I wanted to document my “obesiversary,” I scrolled the archives and started from the beginning. I can honestly say I barely recognized the voice in those first few entries. Not because I was any less fantastic or snarky back then! It was actually more challenging settling back into that broken brain of food compulsion and misery that really took me back. While some of the thought processes from two years ago still fill my reality, I suppose I didn’t realize I have started letting some of them go.


One of the old entries that had the greatest response from readers was one I wrote called, “iTS a Control Issue” on 10/13/22. I explained the origin (in my opinion) of my constant need for control (though, arguably genetically-enhanced). 


I’m going to share an excerpt for context here:


“When we go out to dinner, you laugh when I control where I sit. I'm calculating the route to the exit and the bathroom. Can I fit as I weave through tables? Can I fit in a booth? Will I block the servers' path if I'm seated at a table in the middle of the room? Will my shirt roll up exposing my granny panties if I have my back to the other patrons? Okay, so if that table fills with a high chair, how do I get out after we pay the bill? Will I have to ask someone to move? Will I have to "suck in" or walk sideways to sliiiiide through a space that was never meant for my 324 pounds? And within how many seconds of starting my meal will I drop my first sauce/crumb/food chunk on my tiny little chest (kidding--it's gigantic)? Will people see me wipe it off or can I be subtle? Me. Subtle. ;)


You laugh when I ask for tasks to be done in a certain order. I'm trying to ensure my order of operations is nearly on autopilot. What if I look incompetent? What if I stumble through the sequence and my face flushes and then I stumble and then I'm sweating and then someone just thinks I'm stupid or lazy to go along with being fat? What if it all makes me lose credibility in an industry where I'm already proving myself everyday. "I PROMISE I know what I'm doing even if I don't look like I've ever participated in an athletic event in my life." 


You laugh when I ask to go to the same vacation spot every year. It was a safe space I found at 13 years old. It was the first time I could walk around in a swim suit and bare feet without a care in the world. It was the first time we didn't travel with the rest of Owensboro to PCB where I would inevitably hide in my room or avoid invites for play dates. It's a connection I made that made me forget, if even for just two weeks at a time. I know the terrain. I know the physical expectations of the trip. I know the layouts of all my favorite restaurants and acceptable dress codes. I know how to maneuver my body through the town without getting caught in a situation I can't resolve.”


Since I penned those words, I’ve challenged myself to loosen the restraints of my control. I’ve traveled to Canada, explored Niagara Falls, walked the strip in Vegas, spent nine hours straight at Universal riding every ride I could, and trekked through Mammoth Cave. PROGRESS GOES BEYOND THE SCALE.


I may have gotten to a point where I thought most of those issues were resolved, but just this weekend, I felt the flush of anxiety rising because I spent over 20 minutes trying to figure out my escape plan from Rash Stadium. (For the record, I hate it. The step downs from the bleachers are too steep and the distance between them too wide. And somehow they’ve managed to make it even more uncomfortable than a standard bleacher set, but moving on…) 


My husband saw my panic before I voiced it. I knew he was ready to go early in the 3rd, but I said I needed one more E.H. TD before I was leaving (I was also buying time to figure out how to get out). As soon as I said, “I’m going to start thinking what will be easiest, please give me a minute…” He responded, “I already did that. If you turn around behind you, you can get your feet under you there and I’ll help you stand. I’ll help you.” I argued he was wrong. That his method was no different than me standing from the floor and he’d never helped me stand from the floor, so why did he think he could do it now. I voiced two other shitty alternative routes (remember, I’m not willing to walk over someone’s lap either) and he just let me talk. 


E.H. got his magical 4th TD (totally worth staying for, btw) and I knew I couldn’t hold off anymore. The dogs were home alone all night and we needed to get going. So I did what he suggested. Within seconds we were walking down the steps and out of the gate. No falls. No trips. No grunting to navigate the terrain. 


I panicked because I went back to me from two years ago and forgot who I am today. (Ugh. Fine, I’ll admit we did it HIS way and he was ri…um, he was ri… no, I can’t say it.)


Two years ago today I weighed 324 pounds. Today, I am 100 pounds down. (As of two days ago, I hit the triple digit loss) I lost 100 freaking pounds. Along the way, I’ve taken breaks from my efforts, I’ve had successful months and very slow months. I’ve taken  a slower approach to work on sustainability as much as anything. 


After most of this journey consisting of me NOT following the recommendations I tell others, the last eight weeks have included an experiment called “Follow Your Own Advice” and man, I really am as smart as I say. 😆


I cook often (not like meals I wanna share with a table of friends, but protein-packed, whole-food meals that are more fuel than entertainment). I pay attention to protein and water like we tell all our clients to do. I’ve nearly tripled my monthly weight loss these last two months from where I was averaging the previous six. Not because I’m eating less. Not because I increased med dosage. Not because I skipped the sweets. I didn’t do any of those things at all. I simply planned, carved 3-6 minutes to prep my food source rather than DoorDash it, and only ate junk if I was still craving it AFTER I hit my protein target.


Quick FAQ I get weekly:

1. I used Semaglutide for 15 months, but took three separate one-month breaks during that time. My highest dose was 1.7mg briefly and my longest dose was 1mg. I never maxed out on Sema dosing during that time. (Total loss: 70ish pounds)
2. I switched to Tirzepatide after a nearly three-month break following Sema. (That three months included grieving a loss and I didn’t want to do anything productive.) I have been taking Tirz since late March. I spend a long time at 5mg and an even longer time at 7.5mg before settling at 10mg. I have never maxed on this med, either. I prefer to stay at mid-level, but I won’t pretend I’m opposed to increasing if I see a need at some point. (Total loss: 30 pounds, 12 just in the last eight weeks)
3. Exercise? I don’t work out. Yes, I should. Yes, I 100% believe exercise is important and protecting lean mass is important. I monitor fat mass/lean mass through our Fit3D system. I preach the importance of protein, as well. I would also like to add our preferred peptide to assist, but I’m not letting myself do that until I’m ready to make exercise a priority. I do walk more, move around more, help at the farm more, etc., but I am not counting that as adequate enough.
4. What do I eat? I eat a lot of eggs and cottage cheese to hit my goals. (I like cottage cheese, so it’s not a problem, but I whip it with my immersion blender to mix in with all my recipes and you wouldn’t know it was there.) I do use protein shakes, but not every day (I’d say 5-6/week on average). I do grab a Fairlife at work for ease, but will make a protein shake at home on the weekends. I’ve recently started using ground chicken over ground turkey and I need to know why no one told me how much better it was before now?? Sorry, ground turkey is a sacrifice I prefer never to make again. Oh and yes, I eat carbs because I don't believe in eliminating a food group. No, I don’t track calories, but I do track protein at least 2-3 days a week to make sure I’m still accurate because I know it’s easy to get off track. The last time I did test my caloric intake (out of curiosity), it was about 1500 cals.
5. Do I think taking medication is the easy way out? Yes. I think that the last time I lost weight, I spent 15+ hours in the gym each week, deprived myself of foods, battled injury, didn’t resolve my lab work, and still encountered systemic inflammation. With medication, my labs improved, my joint pains are decreased, inflammation down, foods satiating, brain rewiring. Yes, it feels easier. It isn’t doing it for me. I still have to make changes, work on myself daily, and follow through with the plan. (I think you can also choose to take medication for your blood pressure that can often be fixed with diet and exercise, but I don’t remember being shamed for that?)
6. How long will I take Tirz? As long as I can, I suppose. As long as I can afford to buy it and as long as I’m seeing positive impacts from using it. I think I will decrease or break again soon because I like the thought of a reset, but I don’t have intentions of removing it from my lineup. 
7. What’s my goal weight? I’m too scared to say that. I’m too afraid to say out loud how big my goals really are. Is that stupid considering all the oversharing I do? Maybe. 😂 I’m not done yet. That’s what I know for sure. 
8. Do I plan on having any surgeries after I lose more? 100%. But that comes with a lot of planning, counseling, and saving. So it isn’t something I know details about right now. (And yes, people DO ask me this. 🙃)

Thank you for coming along with me and being my accountability partners even if you didn’t know it. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all of you who read, text, call, visit, and join the journey yourselves. 


Let’s keep going. 


Cheers, 
K

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