It was pointed out to me this week that I MIGHT have a teensy, tiny (I mean, barely noticeable probably) strong, overwhelming, all-encompassing need for control. (Also, by "pointed out," I counted FOUR times different people mentioned it.) I always laugh it off. Let's be honest, I can't really defend it or gaslight it into an untruth.
What's it really about, though?
When you navigate the world as a morbidly obese young adult (shut up, still young), you find yourself constantly figuring out "how to make things work." I think that's manifested into always needing to control anything I CAN when there is a mounting list of things I CAN'T.
When we go out to dinner, you laugh when I control where I sit. I'm calculating the route to the exit and the bathroom. Can I fit as I weave through tables? Can I fit in a booth? Will I block the servers' path if I'm seated at a table in the middle of the room? Will my shirt roll up exposing my granny panties if I have my back to the other patrons? Okay, so if that table fills with a high chair, how do I get out after we pay the bill? Will I have to ask someone to move? Will I have to "suck in" or walk sideways to sliiiiide through a space that was never meant for my 324 pounds? And within how many seconds of starting my meal will I drop my first sauce/crumb/food chunk on my tiny little chest (kidding--it's gigantic)? Will people see my wipe it off or can I be subtle? Me. Subtle. ;)
You laugh when I ask for tasks to be done in a certain order. I'm trying to ensure my order of operations is nearly on autopilot. What if I look incompetent? What if I stumble through the sequence and my face flushes and then I stumble and then I'm sweating and then someone just thinks I'm stupid or lazy to go along with being fat? What if it all makes me lose credibility in an industry where I'm already proving myself everyday. "I PROMISE I know what I'm doing even if I don't look like I've ever participated in an athletic event in my life."
You laugh when I ask to go to the same vacation spot every year. It was away a safe space I found at 13 years old. It was the first time I could walk around in a swim suit and bare feet without a care in the world. It was the first time we didn't travel with the rest of Owensboro to PCB where I would inevitably hide in my room or avoid invites for play dates. It's a connection I made that made me forget, if even for just two weeks at a time. I know the terrain. I know the physical expectations of the trip. I know the layouts of all my favorite restaurants and acceptable dress codes. I know how to maneuver my body through the town without getting caught in a situation I can't resolve.
iTS a bit controlling, I know. I'm sure 50 minutes on a couch (for a decade of weekly therapy sessions) could break the surface of my neuroses. Maybe we can unpack a little more of that later. For now, though, we embrace the stability we find as we make the changes and improvements our lives so desperately need. My community of cohorts in this journey has tripled since my first blog and I'm thrilled to have others in my circle engaging in this new lifestyle and all the possibilities it brings.
And that's why you're reading, right? To get an update. So let me get to it...
I've completed three full weeks on our weight loss medication. While I often get ahead of myself and day dream of what I want to see and do after 150 pounds are gone, I have to refocus and get through one day. One food choice. One decision. One intentional change to reach my goals. When I realize how far I have to go, I get a defeated feeling (already!). Which is just stupid. So don't do that.
I took my first comparison photo yesterday. This is a 19-day change. 19 days. Imagine what I can do in 30? in 60? In 6 months? And before you start overanalyzing trying to figure out what's different, YES, I had a 1/2 syringe put in my lips yesterday (shout out to my nurse injector Serenity here at Integrated) and NO, I did NOT have any other services done. That is 100% a weight loss change. Unfiltered. ----> Yes, I am awesome.
Three weeks in. 14 pounds (and two chins) lost.
Starting weight: 324 pounds
Current weight: 310 pounds
Goal weight: I have no freakin' clue.
Are you ready?